If I am being honest, I have completely lost myself over this past year. A year ago I was exploring my world, going on trips, seeing sights, and relearning to love myself. For example, road trips to visit friends and family hundreds of miles away. Nashville, Memphis, Kansas City, Columbia SC, and Wichita. Road trips with friends and mentors leading their businesses through large developments in places like Indianapolis and Atlanta. Journeys to see various larger events. Such as The 2024 Total Solar Eclipse in Carbondale, Illnois. Also the largest attended game in professional football history in springtime in St. Louis. Some of these events happened only days apart. Making for a fun and enjoyable start to last year.
Then came the biggest trip of 2024. The United Kingdom trip through my university. Seeing various sights such as Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, and the Harlaxton Castle will always be memories I’ll cherish. I may not have gotten along with the group I went with…challenging personalities honestly didnt work out too well. Within my life, events still took place up until August. But then school started back up again. I made new friends but I also lost alot of old friends. I mean pretty much every single one. Its definitely sad.
Over the past few months especally I have fallen into perhaps the worst rut in a long long time. I have made mistakes that I deeply regret. My mental health was in a serious decline. To an extent it still is. I lost my highest paying job ever. $14 an hour at Chick-Fil-A. Because being myself is not good in a workplace environment such as that. Jokes don’t slide. Sadly I manage stress through jokes. Not acceptable! If you are not in tip-top shape physically or mentally…cya later. So I only lasted about a month and a half. The gm grew to hate me, the night manager knew I was out of place. Only a chunk of my coworkers liked me. I honestly was just not high value enough. Guess that was it.
I picked myself back up. But only one place was desperate and depressing enough to hire me instantly; Burger King. The kind of person I was…I fit in with my fellow degenerates. Many of which criminals, heroin & meth addicts, poser country bumpkins, and reject losers such as myself. Those who had failed life. A place which for a while was very easy to work at. However slowly just did not go my way. One of the managers there who I grew to deeply despise was a generally depressing “pos”. A former methhead with an unbearable northeastern accent. A personality filled with anger and disgust. Someone with a reliance on weed due too severe anger issues. I’m okay with weed however it can be overused. Someone who is attracted to shitty people. A husband in prison. Overall a bad human being. I know they view me as the same title. However I made a massive mistake. My crippling loneliness won. I fell for an incredibly toxic and mentally ill girl. The daughter of this specific manager. Only about a year nearly exactly older than me. She had severe narcissistic tendencies. She had an average relationship span of two and a half weeks. If I ever brought up the men she had, chatted, and snapped on Snapchat…she’d brush it off like it was nothing. She demanded constant attention. To an extreme point. There was no opportunity for a life. Yet when she lives hers…she goes into a sudden phase of “You gotta understand”. Only she could be happy. She drains the lifeforce out of you. If you ever said anything thoughtful, caring, nice, important, depressing, or just out of raw pure emotion. She only responded with the most passive agresssive “ok”. Something that makes you go crazy. I realized this was genetic. She wanted to act ghetto. You couldn’t comprehend a single word she said. Hell, she wanted to go to the club on her 21st birthday. I was warned. I was stupid and I fell for her. During all of this, her ex was sending me death threats. Then the breakup happened. I was stupid and fought hard to save it. But she like always had no heart. Yet she dragged it on. She wanted to see me suffer. I couldnt be there anymore. My mental health didn’t need to deal with her and her crazy mother in the same place. So I left that life behind. For good. I gambled and lost. When you are bad, when your karma is bad…you attract that same bad. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone before, during, and after.
Its been about a month since this occured. I need to bounce back. Over this year I have gained alot of weight, I have lost my looks, and I just feel worse. Numb fingers, alot of shaking and twitches, bleeding gums, losing access to mental health help. Therapy, pysch, meds. Its all gone. The withdrawls only slightly numbed by ambitions to quit porn addiction. As well as downing supplements. Multivitamins, fish oils, lion’s mane, and lecithin. I’m looking into some others too. Depression has left me feeling cognitively impaired. I’m trying to come back mentally. But its incredibly challenging. Yet for the rest of 2025. I have some massive plans.
Plans which I intend to share…very…very soon.
-Kaie
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